So here's what happened.
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive…” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?” Then it was quiet again.
My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. “What the hell are you yelling about?” he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. “Never mind,” I said. “It’s your turn to drive.” I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
It was almost noon, and we still had more than a hundred miles to go. They would be tough miles. Very soon, I knew, we would both be completely twisted. But there was no going back, and no time to rest. We would have to ride it out. The trunk of the car looked like a mobile police narcotics lab. We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.
All this had been rounded up the night before, in a frenzy of highspeed driving all over Los Angeles County – from Topanga to Watts, we picked up everything we could get our hands on. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug-collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. Probably at the next gas station. We had sampled almost everything else, and now – yes, it was time for a long snort of ether.
And then do the next hundred miles in a horrible, slobbering sort of spastic stupor. The only way to keep alert on ether is to do up a lot of amyls – not all at once, but steadily, just enough to maintain the focus at ninety miles an hour through Barstow.
oh wait thats the beginning to fear and loathing in las vegas, no no no that's not my story at all.
It was midmarch and the theater started giving me extra hours out of nowhere. At the time I was working 3-4 days a week at the theater.. which is nothing until you count in the 3 days at taco bell. I did a 10+ day work week on accident, which wasn't really an accident because I was scheduled those days but I was in grind mode, I'm a hustla baby so I was out making that money without realizing that I was running myself into the ground.
I had my last shift at both places before vacation(spoiler alert) on the 28th and because of my out-of-nowhere crazy work life I was totally all death plague cuz no immune system after too many 70 hour work weeks back to back outta nowhere. So here I am, about to go on vacay on the 1st, hell yes vacay, but its 3 days before and I'm death plague.
This is time supposed to be spent packing shit and making sure we had stuff, I was death plague and finally done my work weeks and I was drinking like a fish and I slept all those 3 days, which is is bad thing to do when you're a husband. I didn't get in too much trouble though, cuz plague.
The first of april we rented a car, a nice little dodge dart which i'm sure means nothing to you guys cuz it meant nothing to me. We were driving this grey dart down to california. We had over an ounce of weed, 4 grams of hash, non-smoking rental car, a fifth of brandy, and the entire party had death plague. Our huge 10th anniversary, the one you plan forever, that's supposed to be super awesome and epic because forever. Death plague. Probably fevers. But fuck it. Because we're on vacation!
We normally make the drive from Portland to LA in one go, just coffee and music and a lot of determination but this time we weren't feeling up so it so we slept at a rest stop in southern oregon. The trees were very green, but like a light-colored green because of the moss that grew on the bark of the trees. They were evergreens, like most of the NW but these were old growth trees.
After that we had to drive through the pass, which is called the pass because back in the day it was the only route through the mountains, so its like a real oldschool pass through some mountains. We went up over a mile that day and my ears popped like crazy. It was night time at this point and we took some pictures of a mountain at night.. some day I'll edit this and put in the pictures. Maybe.
We spent the night in Sacramento, which is to the right of San Fran, which is on the coast for people who don't live in America or know Cali geography so great. Anyway, the hotel was super nice and btw it's the 2nd of april now that we're checking into the hotel.
April 3rd was the wife's birthday so we went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, which is like Six Flags Zoo.. ordinarily we are like "looking at animals seems fun but kinda like a waste of our time, so fuck that, sorry animals, its time for big scary roller coasters" but, we were under the grip of the plague and roller coasters seemed like too much. Looking at animals seemed more our energy level so we went to the animals for the first time and it was great.
Happy 4/20 by the way, blaze it.
Tiara had never ridden an elephant before! Which doesn't mean much to you guys cuz lots of people haven't ridden elephants, but she collects elephants. She's always collected elephants, she has 3-4 bookshelves of elephant stuff.. now she doesn't normally buy elephant stuff, but for birthdays and such her parents just always buy her elephant stuff. At this point she's told them she has enough elephant stuff, so only if its weird or unique...but srs guys, lots of elephant stuff in this house.
Anyway, she got to ride an elephant on her birthday and we got a picture of it. There's also an angry foreign guy in the picture because he's retarded and makes retarded decisions in life. No offense to retards, they are good people, but this guy was just wrong. He just goes around making wrong decisions left and right I already know.
We also saw a tiger. Now, I'm a tiger dude. I mean, like I'm not a tiger dude like RAWWR i mean how would I type with big killing claws? But I have always had cats and so like huge cats are like "NOW THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT". So, there's this male tiger and and a female tiger cuz tiger babies sell for good money, and they were in this small little area of grass which was sad, but it wasn't like tiny small, like it was half a football field with a tiny pond for drinking or swimming or whatever but I can't imagine a cat swimming so probably no that but who knows? cats are mysterious.
I made eye contact with this particular cat, and he saw my plague and he knew I was no threat. He just kept chilling with his ladyfriend. I also hoped that I was giving off this vibe of: "You are awesome and can tear me to shreds, I will admire your greatness, for your are superior to me." but I think it was the plague. Either way the male kitty was just hangin out with his lady friend and I was watchin 'em cuz creeper stat and this dude comes up beside me and starts heckling the tiger....hollering things like "HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY" in the tune of calling for a pig, like when farmers go SueWEEEEE. It was about that time I glanced over and saw a sign saying: "Male tigers mark their territory with urine and spray. And you're in they're territory!"
So I see the kitty getting up to come mark his territory because plagued but not retarded. I just back the fuck up. Dude does not get sprayed because he dodged, but the next dude who came up got sprayed for doing the exact same thing but not getting out of the way of the spray. It was satisfying. All the time the kitty just left me alone cuz obvious catwhisperer 2k15 at this point.
We saw sharks and giraffes and other things of nature and went to our new hotel in Anaheim, because now its taken us 3 full days to do the drive we normally do in one day. Plague for president!
Meanwhile, we are probably actively spreading our weird mixture of disease all around errywhere.
We go to our new hotel, which is conveniently located next to a club. We are not club kids, so we didn't go anywhere near it. The only thing it was convenient for was if you wanted to be woken up at 2:30 every morning by people far too drunk to drive, screaming at eat other in drunken adoration for a half hour before security tells them to go away. Then you can fall asleep comfortably, knowing that 100% of those people are too drunk to drive, and that 100% of them have been forced onto the streets in their cars and are out driving around on the roads where the average speed on the freeway in the slow lane in 80, no joke. But hey, fuck 'em. These are called learning experiences. Plus I can't exactly toss the first stone against a drunk driver too much because I've done that one myself. Plus this story isn't about casting stones, its about trying to get stoned. I should mention that both of our hotels have been non-smoking hotels.
If you hypothetically have over an ounce of weed and 4 grams of hash, how do you go about smoking it without having a hotel room to smoke it in? How do you smoke in a rental car that's non-smoking?
You don't really.
If you're waking up for theme park every morning, how do you drink a fifth of brandy?
You don't really.
I mean, you find time to smoke and drink but not like you should.
So after that we went to a place called Knott's Berry Farm, which we heard might suck because they don't have crazy rides but you get the vibe by now. So we go to Knotts and I'll be honest.. it looks like they paved over their Berry Farm and put up a theme park. The theme park was pretty nice. I'll have more on this, I promise. I must tend to life things like waking my wife up to go shopping at 3am, cuz 420 munchies blaze it.